


Old Writing Archive

by StudentOfEtherium



Category: Bakemonogatari
Genre: Depression, F/F, Multiplicity/Plurality, Not Beta Read, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27094639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudentOfEtherium/pseuds/StudentOfEtherium
Summary: This is old writing of mine from stories i started and never finished. it's been long enough with all of them that i dont think i could properly finish them now if i were to try it again, so i'm releasing them in their incomplete form. i hope that despite their incomplete nature, people enjoy them all the same, and if they do, they check out my other writing both new and old
Relationships: Araragi Karen/Kanbaru Suruga, Araragi Koyomi/Senjougahara Hitagi, Hanekawa Tsubasa/Oikura Sodachi
Kudos: 3





	1. Love

It was so hard to keep going. Feeling, bad, always. At first, it's uncomfortable, inconvenient. But once it sets in, once you get used to it? It's life. It sucks, but you move on. Hours become days become weeks become months become years. You forget what happiness is. You forget what it was like to be happy, complacent, what it's like to not have the dark clouds of self-hate and self-loathing above you. What it's like to love yourself. What it's like to care about yourself. What it's like to not blame yourself. It's a fucked up thing to grow used to, but you do. And once you do, it gets better. You don't feel better, this is just yet another slide downwards, but you don't feel as bad about feeling bad. You might even feel worse, i know i did. But it doesn't feel as bad. Maybe contradictory, but feelings are like that sometimes. You isolate yourself. Be alone. If no one sees you, you don't have to exist. You can just fade away into nothing. But you can't. You have to exist. Killing yourself would be too easy, too quick. It would deal with things, but you keep going. You live. You don't want to live. But you do. You deserve to live, in the harshest way possible. So you do. You go on. You regret your choices every second, but you do. Living for the sake of living. A hope that things will get better? Nonsense. Things will never improve. But you keep going. Keep struggling. You fail at things, because you're suffering too much to actually try, actually put in effort. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you excel, because it's all you have to live for. Is that what's pushing you forward? Probably. So you better hope you keep caring about it. What would you even do without it? Die? You already know that isn't an option. You need to live. So, again, what would happen without it? Further suffering? You already suffer so much, what would a little more be? What's a little more suffering on top of the pile. Surely, boredom can't be worse than the death of a parent. But it isn't just boredom, it's tedium. It's an endless void of life, nothing to do but go through the most basic motions. Keep going the same as always.

You, you, you. So much you. But this is all me. This is nothing but me. As i am me, these are my feelings. As fucked up as that is.

You don't know anyone, so you have time to think, about things. You learn more about yourself. Is that good? Is that bad? i’m still not sure. But i understand myself. And what i learned is that i don't know myself at all. i’m trans? i’m gay? i’m ace? What the fuck does this mean? What the fuck does aromantic mean? What does that change about me and does it even matter? Of course it matters. It's you. It's me. It's my identity. It is i as i am it. i am these things and i can never not.


	2. Zoku AU fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my first attempt (of three) to write a Zoku AU of my own. the third is still WIP and may one day come to fruition

Chapter One:

I woke up like I do every day, hearing Koyomi be roused by our younger sisters. They're always so loud about it, It's annoying, but I don't need an alarm clock, so I don't mind. I layed in bed for a few more minutes before sitting up. I looked down. Karen has already left to get ready. Tsukihi and Koyomi were still playing. I debated saving Koyomi, before deciding against it. I stepped down and grabbed my uniform from my side of the closet, along with a sports bra and some underwear. I started walking out, but glanced back quickly. “You should let her get ready, I don't want to be left waiting again.” As I entered the hall, I yelled back towards the girls’ room, “I'll be in the shower, don't come in.” Even now, I don't feel comfortable showing with them as girls.

As I walked over to the bathroom, I heard the noise get louder. Almost like a power drill was being used. I sighed and kept walking. 

I entered the bathroom and locked the door. I don't need to, I know nobody will barge in, but old habits die hard. I hurried showering. Karen and Tsukihi would be needing this room in a few minutes. The problems with a family of six, I guess. Not that I mind. I've never been the type to spend long on that stuff.

Once I was done, I got dressed and rushed out. As I walked back to my room, I shouted out. “Room's open!” Back in my room, I broke up Tsukihi and Koyomi and sent Tsukihi off to get ready. I walked over to my desk and checked my phone. Still an hour or so left before we have to leave for school. I saw Tsubasa had sent me a text. I put my phone in my pocket and grabbed my school bag, and made my way downstairs. Breakfast would probably be done soon.

As it turns out, mom was putting food on the table as soon as I sat down. While I waited for the others to join us, I pulled out my phone to check her message and respond. 

<Are you awake yet? I'm bored> Seems to have been sent during my shower. <yeah, just waiting for the sisters> She responded quickly. <Sleep well?> <yeah, thanks. you?> <meowxcellent> <even for you, that's stretching… Please give the phone back to Shiro> <it's been me the whole time. and, well, nya know, we cats are knyawn for our ability to stretch> <(＞_＜)> <ly2 honey>

At that moment, Karen and Tsukihi walked down the stairs. Tsukihi's hair was still wet, and it seems she still needs to style it, but otherwise, they seemed ready. They sat down and started chatting a million miles an hour with each other. I can't believe I used to be their age, they're incomprehensible to me nowadays. 

Tsubasa and I kept texting. <i would actually like to talk to Shiro, please give the phone to her> <she's busy helping sis get ready, so it's just me for nyaw> <these puns are going to kill me> <hehehe> I sighed, before texting back, <cant you help Ko get ready?> <Im not allowed to anymore> <is. is there a story there?> <yes.> <are… you going to tell me?> <Shiro said i cant> <i see…>

I stood up. “Koyomi's taken long enough, I'll go grab her.” Tsukihi offered, ”I can get her down here if you want.” I thought about that for a second. “I'll be fine! I'm sure she'll be quick if I'm up there with her.”

I hurried up the stairs and into our room. “Koyomi, my sweet sibling, my lovely sister… Please hurry the fuck up. I'm hungry.” She wasn't even dressed. Jeez. I walked over to the closest and grabbed her uniform. “Here.” I threw it at her. I sat down on her bed. “Everyone else is at the table. We're all waiting on you. Again.” She started stammering an excuse, which I made the choice to ignore. She's always like this. Maybe next time I will let Tsukihi be the one to hurry her up, property damage be damned. 

While she was busy putting on her uniform, I reached over and picked up her phone. One new message. I checked it, and signed. “You're gonna get a chance to talk about her when we're at school, do you really have spend so much time texting her?” Koyomi groaned. “You spend all your time texting Hanekawa, how's that any different?” I started texting Senjogahara as I responded. “I only text her when I'm done with getting ready, or done with homework. You know, when I have free time. Like a responsible person” I sent Senjogahara the text. <I understand you like talking to my sister, but can you please stop distracting her? Even without your influence, she's never ready on time. You can talk to her in an hour, so please, let her get ready so she isn't late> I slipped her phone into my pocket and stood up. By this point, she was done getting dressed, so I grabbed her schoolbag and her shirt collar and started dragging her out, ignoring her gasps of protest.

And then we were at the table together, as a family. A family of disasters, quite dysfunctional, not entirely biological, but still, a family nonetheless. I smiled. This is nice. I haven't always been living as an Araragi, but it's been long enough that most memories of before I lived with them have faded. I quite like this life I live, and I wouldn't want to live it any other way.

Chapter Two:

We ate quickly. Even if breakfast is family time, it has to be short family time. After we finished, we all said our goodbyes and were off. Koyomi and I hopped on her bike and we sped off. When we first started doing this in high school, I'd been apprehensive about it, but by this point, it was our routine. Shiro didn't like that this is so routine for us, “It's illegal!”, but when she got to ride like this with Koyomi, she shut up immediately. Maybe it's because I do this every day, but I don't get what's so special or terrible about this. It's not something special, it's just like, normal. It's how I get to school.

As Koyomi biked, I pulled her phone and started texting Senjogahara again. <we're on our way. see u soon. ps. forward this to Tsubasa> Within seconds, I had a response. <please give Koyomi her phone> <she's busy biking, I don't think she could hold it right now.> <in that case, but her phone in her pocket> I rolled my eyes and sent a quick response, before slipping Koyomi's phone into her bag. <not like you'll get to talk to him more than you already were…> I think she doesn't like me.

The world from the back of a bike is so beautiful. I gazed around as we sped through town. We take this route to school every time, and still it never gets old. Something about having this unspoken time with my sister, it makes us close. It's we barely interact during these rides, but we both know it's important. I wouldn't want to trade this time for anything.


	3. Sodachi Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> consider this the marque fic among this archive. if i were to continue any, it would be this

Prologue

I always knew I'm a girl. Instinctively. I don't have anyone else's experiences to compare against, but I don't think that's normal. I mean, who would have the audacity to say that everyone who looks at me and says “boy” is wrong? It would certainly make sense that if everyone but me thinks I am something, I am. So, who am I challenge that? I am Oikura Sodachi. That's who I am. I have said that they are wrong for a long time now. I have said from such a young age that I am a girl. That I am not what they say I am. That each and every last one of them is wrong. I've suffered for it. Abuse at school, from teachers and students alike, in society, from total strangers and potential friends. and even at home. 

Maybe a weaker person would have backed down on this, admitted they were wrong. It's weird to think of myself as strong, I'm weak in so many ways, but in this regard, I guess I'm strong, I was able to hold out. after all. The strength to stand against society isn't something usually something that earns praise. The nail that sticks out is beaten down, as they say. Well, I've been beaten down in so many ways, and I've somehow survived. I still stand out. 

I suppose, in a way, it's unfortunate that the one I have hated so much is one of the few who respects me. Araragi Koyomi. Did he even notice? Did he ever even pick up on the fact that I'm not normal, that I'm not a normal, proper girl? No. Not even in the slightest. He's so willfully ignorant. About this, and so many other things. He, who didn't even notice my abusive life when I tried to make it as obvious as possible. He, who forgot I existed not once, but twice. Him. The fucker. But he called me a girl without blinking an eye. And that's all I want, right? He never once wavered in that regard. And for that, I do respect him a little. I told him, eventually, at Tsubasa’s encouragement, but his reaction was, unclear. He doesn't seem to have cared much at all about it. “Oh, okay, well, what's different, then?” 

What is different. What's the difference between someone normal, an ordinary girl,  _ Tsubasa, Senjogahara, Kanbaru,  _ and me. Is there a difference? Does it matter? I'd like to think it doesn't. I am a girl, and if people see me that way, then I'm on equal ground, I am as much a girl as any other. But it never works out that way. As much as Araragi and Tsubasa might act like there's no difference, might act like I'm the same as every other girl, I'm not. And I never will be. I will never be ordinary.

Tsubasa. Tsubasa Tsubasa Tsubasa. She deserves someone better, more whole, complete, unbroken, unshattered. I had to tell her, early on. It would have been dishonest not to. So I told her. And she supported me, obviously, she was fine with it. She would not be Hanekawa Tsubasa if she wasn't, if she didn't accept me for me. She has shown me so much love, and care, and affection. Love, and care, and affection that I never earned. She says I don't need to earn her love, that I've done enough for it already. What the fuck have I done.I give so little back to her. But she insists, she gives me her everything.

I love her. So much. So so so so so much. She is the light of my life. If I didn't have her, I don't know what I'd do. I don't have the strength to die, but without her, I wouldn't have the strength to live. I live in fear of her finally getting tired of me, of reaching the point where she's finally done with all my shit and she leaves. I'm afraid of her no longer loving me, that she'll realize I'm undeserving of her love and caring. I've told her that, and she insisted she will always be with me. “I'll never leave you, you're the one I care about most. I love you.” I don't know how much I can believe that. I trust her, she wouldn't lie to me. But I don't know if she's prepared to deal with me forever. No matter how much she believes she will love me, support me, care for me forever, I know myself. And I know that I am someone not worth caring for. I can't imagine the strength it takes. To deal with this. To deal with me.

I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my voice. I hate who I am. I hate who I was. I hate who I will be. I hate my history, my future. I hate every aspect of myself. But I have to live this way. I have no other option. I don't have the strength to die, and, now, I must live for her.

So, I live.

Chapter One:

I woke up. A day like any other. Tsubasa was in bed next to me. I debated going back to sleep, but decided against it. I looked over. Her face. Perfect. Is it creepy to stare when you're in a relationship? I don't know the social etiquette of sharing a bed with someone. Social etiquette is always pretty alien to me, especially in regards to sharing a bed. Even after almost a year, I still don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Regardless of what's considered polite by most, I stared at her sleeping face. It's so gorgeous. It'd been a few days since she last bothered to dye her hair. It's gorgeous when it's like that. But she's gonna have to dye it again today, before she leaves.

I guess we both have something we need to hide.

But she can pass it off as an odd styling choice made permanent. I can't make excuses for what I am.

After a few more minutes, she woke up. “G’mornng honey”, she mumbled. She smiled. It was radiant, breathtaking. She spoke again: “You been awake long?” I answered quickly: “I just woke up, a few minutes ago.” 

She sat up and stretched. Then, she laid back in bed and burrowed under the covers. “It's cold!” 

“Want me to turn on the heat?” I started getting up. “I'd rather you cuddle me.” I sat there in silence for a second, as she waved her arms in front of me. She's cute when she's like this. Bratty, but cute. 

Finally, I sighed, and laid back down next to her. She immediately entangled me in her arms. I would've preferred her to not go that far, but even so, her embrace was welcoming. She's always so warm. I never feel that way. I asked her once what hugging me is like. “You're thin. Not too warm.” I'd responded,”You make me sound uncomfortable to hold.” She rebutted it, insisting I was wonderful to hug, amazing, the best she could ask for. I wish I could see in myself what she sees in me.

Suddenly, I snapped back to reality. “Honey?” Tsubasa was trying to talk to me. “Sorry, drifted off.” She nodded. She's understanding like that. 

She started talking about their plans for their upcoming trip. Something in Australia or Austria or somewhere like that. She always makes an effort to tell me about where they'll be, what they're doing. I pay attention sometimes. Sometimes I don't. This time, I didn't pay any attention whatsoever. Sometimes, it's just nice to hear the sound of her voice. It's so pretty. Just like everything else about her. I wish I sounded like that.

Eventually, she started getting up. I stared as she got dressed. I can't say I'm exactly envious of breasts her size, but it would still be better than what I have now. My eyes drifted down her body. And then, envy. Wishing I had what she has, wishing I didn't have what I was born with. We've talked about this in the past, she understands why I do this. She always understands. As always. If it bothers her, she's respectful enough to never tell me.

And suddenly, dysphoria..

I laid back down in bed.

“Are you doing fine?” She rushes over to check up on me. I wave her off, insisting I'm fine. She sees right through my bullshit. “I know something’s getting to you. Please tell me, so I can try and help.” I debate staying quiet, she would never force me to talk. But even so, with her genuine concern, it was hard to hide things from her. I told her the truth. “Just dysphoria, jealousy. As usual.” She nodded, and got back to getting dressed. “I'm sorry. If you want, I can change in the front room.” I thought about it, before dismissing her. “That wouldn't help.” 

Once she was done, she left the room. Even if I'm fine seeing her change, and she's fine being seen, I'm not. I don't want to be seen open like that, naked. I'm so ashamed of my body. She understands. Do I even need to say it at this point? It's not like she hasn't seen me naked, she sees me like that every night as I sleep. But the process of going from,  _ this,  _ this hideous terrible creature, to something taking the form of a woman, is not something I want to be seen, especially by her.

When I was done, I joined Tsubasa in the front room. She was laying on the coach, scrolling on her tablet. Probably reading the news. She likes to stay connected like that. I don't think I've glanced at a newspaper in years.

“You gonna make yourself something, or should I make breakfast for the both of us.” I don't let her cook for me. It's one of the few things she doesn't insist on doing for me. I can't judge how I am as a cook, and I especially don't trust Tsubasa's opinion on my food. I think I'm fine. Tsubasa, isn't. She will never burn food, or overcook it. It will never be raw or partly frozen. But it will be utterly devoid of flavor or personality. I've asked her about it before, she said it wasn't something she wanted to talk about. I understand.

I walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge. “Eggs okay with you?” I yelled over. “Yeah!” I grabbed some eggs from the fridge and closed the door. I grabbed a pan from under the counter and turned on the stove. As it warmed up, I grabbed some pepper and salt. Once the stove was warm enough, I cracked the eggs and tossed them in. As they cooked, I grabbed some bread and put it in the toaster.

I'm good at cooking. Not amazing, but good enough. I appreciate the effort it takes, it distracts me from other thoughts. It's like math, effort needed in stages, I'm trading the further complexity and satisfaction with something to eat. A fair trade.

When everything was done, I called over to Tsubasa, and then I carried everything to the table. We sat down and started eating. We usually eat in silence. It goes by quick. I don't think there's a point in talking during meals, when it can just happen after people are done.

Once we were done, Tsubasa returned to the couch. I carried the dishes into the kitchen and started washing them. I glanced over. She'd moved on from the tablet and was working on her laptop. “Do you have any plans today?” “Nope, We need to pack, but it's just a couple days trip, so that won't take long. What about you?” I put the dishes in the drying rack and started walking over to her. “Just a short homework assignment, already did most of it on Friday night.” She nodded. I reached the couch and laid down, resting my head in her lap. I looked up. She's cute from below. This view makes her breasts look especially large. It's the kind of thing I'd think would make me dysphoric, but the distorted view protects me from that.

“Oh, right! Kanbaru got in touch with us, she and Araragi, the Kanbaru’s girlfriend Araragi, that is, want to do something with us, and if you're free tonight, we could do a dinner together.” Friends of hers. Tsubasa is always trying to introduce me to more people. She says it's important for me to have a wide circle of friends. I don't see the point. If she isn't pushing me into it, I never leave my apartment for anything other than food, class, or therapy. It's better to be at home, alone. I don't like being with people. Except her. Which isn't to say I mind her pushing to do things with her friends. At least I've met these two. A couple. Kanbaru, seems to understand me. She understands how I feel, what it's been like. Araragi, on the other hand, his sister. We haven't talked all that much. I don't really like her. She's annoying. Takes after her brother in that regard. I'll probably go anyway. Maybe if I talk to Kanbaru enough, I'll grow to like her. Maybe. Another friend would be nice.

Is Araragi a friend? I never know if I should count him or not.

“That sounds fine, I'll go.” Tsubasa grabbed her phone and started texting a response. “It sounds like Kanbaru has a restaurant in mind, so we'll go where she tells us.” I nodded.

I stayed laying in her lap for a while longer. Neither of us spoke. At some point, she started holding me closer. It was nice. Intimacy can hurt, but in that moment, it seemed everything was perfect. Like we were a perfect couple, two functional and equal people. An absurd fantasy. I will never match up to her. I will always be worse. A disaster, a terrible person, a shattered imitation of a woman. A fake girl.

I stood up. “I'll be in the bedroom.” Tsubasa asked, ”Are you fine?” I wasn't. I'm not. I never was. I never will be. I didn't answer her. I got in bed and wrapped myself in blankets. That always helps. It's the tightness. It's comforting to be in such a small space. 

I don't know how long I laid in bed. I might have even passed out at some point. Eventually, Tsubasa came in and sat on the bed. She started saying things, words of comfort. Like always. I wasn't listening. At some point, she stopped talking. I don't know when. She sat there, silent. Was I hoping she would get up and leave? Hoping she would go in the other room, leaving me to my suffering? Probably. 

She stood up. I couldn't hear if she was walking out, or just stretching. Suddenly, my phone buzzed. <come on out when you're ready. I won't rush you.> I stared at the text, before responding, <mhm>.

Eventually, I got up. I untangled myself from the sheets and sat up in bed. I debated asking Tsubasa to come in, but I decided against it. I got up and walked into the front room. “Sorry about that.” Tsubasa was laying on the coach, spread far, reading a book. She looked up when I spoke, before responding: “You know I'm fine with it. Anyway, glad to know you're doing better. Are you still okay for dinner tonight, or should I cancel it?” I shook my head, before reprocessing the question and answering, “Dinner plans are fine.”

I sat down at the table and reached into my bag on the floor. I withdrew a handful of papers and a pen. Now’s a good time to finish the homework, I suppose. I started working, and before long, I was done. Didn't have much left in the first place, but having the task to distract myself was helpful.

“What time are the plans for?” Tsubasa looked up.”Oh, uh, I believe Kanbaru said seven. The restaurant isn't far, so if we're walking, we'll only need to leave around 6:15 or so.” I nodded. A lot of time to kill. “Will I need to dress up much?” ”I doubt it, neither Kanbaru nor Araragi would pick a place like that.” I nodded again. I pulled out some extra paper and started doodling calculations.

Time passed, and before long, I was bored. I walked over to the window and looked outside. Cloudy, but rain didn't seem likely. I turned around. “Wanna take a walk, then? I haven't left the apartment since picking you up from the airport, I'm cramped.” Tsubasa put down her book. “That sounds like a great idea.” She stood up and started getting ready. I walked into the bedroom and grabbed a coat. As I walked back in, I glanced at her hair. “You fine like that?” She nodded. “Yeah. I'll dye it tonight, but for now, I just want it natural.” I don't understand that. Why would anyone want to stick out so much like that. Everybody stares when it's like that. Which isn't to say I think it looks bad, just, why would anyone want so much attention on themselves? I always feel like people are staring at me when I'm out outside. Maybe that's just a me thing? Or maybe I'm just the only one who minds.

We left my apartment and started walking. Things were still wet, so it seems it had rained earlier, probably last night. I like it when it's like this. Everything is wet, and the sky is grey, and it's all so gorgeous. I've always loved rain, and the way things look after rainfall. The whole world, covered in a thin layer of water. Something which can only exist after rain, which only lasts a small time before vanishing again. There's a certain beauty to it that cannot be found anywhere else.

We wandered over to a local park. We go there somewhat often, for dates, sometimes, or more often, just to get out. It's a fairly large park. Just taking a lap or two around the lake kills an hour and a half or so. Which is what we ended up doing, since all of the benches were too wet to sit on. The path around the lake wasn't too muddy, which is nice. We started walking around, and time went by quickly. Tsubasa was saying stuff, and occasionally I would respond, but we both knew that didn't matter. We just wanted to walk, and be together. It was nice. Calming. We held hands.

Eventually, we started walking home. Tsubasa and I considered stopping in a cafe for lunch, but it was decided that I could just make us lunch. We made our way back to my apartment slowly, and by mid-afternoon, we were back. By that point, it was close enough to dinner that I didn't want to put too much energy into food, but at the same time, I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and neither had Tsubasa, to my knowledge. Maybe she grabbed something during my breakdown. Should I ask her? I mulled over it for a few seconds before just asking her. “Hey, Tsubasa, do you want a sandwich?” “Oh, uh, yeah, though something small, dinner is soonish.” I nodded, and then I set about making sandwiches for the two of us. We ate quickly, and once we were done, Kuro switched and walked over to the couch, and she laid down in a way only she can. I picked up the plates are returned to the kitchen. I hadn't done dishes last night, and stuff has started piling up today. I went to work washing things and putting them on the drying rack. Good way to kill a few minutes, at the very least. But soon enough, I was done, and thus, bored again.

I walked over to the couch and nudged my way down. Kuro nuzzled against me, and almost on impulse, I reached down to scratch her ears. Kuro is nice. Don't like her in the way I do Tsubasa, but I enjoy the time we spend together.

Two hours to kill. I suppose I could spend that time cuddling Kuro. I closed my eyes and kept holding Kuro. At some point, Tsubasa switched, and got up.

“If we have time to kill, I might as well pack for tomorrow.”

She walked into the bedroom. I stood up and followed her. If I'm going to just laze around, I might as well laze in bed. Which is an excuse. I just want to be near her. When I entered the room, she was already busy taking clothes out of the closet. I walked over to the bed and sat down. As I watched, clothes become increasingly spread throughout the room. I don't even know how she fits it all on their side of the closet.

Eventually, she stopped taking clothes out and started sorting through them. “Need to pack for cold weather, need layers…” Huh. Guess she's not going to Australia then? “I'll be gone for two days…” She trailed off again. I layed down, still looking at her.. She's always like this when she's packing. It's like a whirlwind, but somehow she never leaves a mess behind. It's kinda scary. 

She picked up a coat, and considered it, before throwing it off. “Too large.” She dug around and grabbed another, which apparently was good, since she folded it up and packed it away immediately. And so she went, digging through the scattered clothes, packing some and discarding others. Before long, she was done.

“You always impress me when you're doing this. I don't even know where I'd start with all that.” Tsubasa turned around. ”Oh, it's actually pretty easy. All these have specific intent. So I just need to know what I'll need on each trip.” I guess that makes sense. After all the traveling she's done, she probably knows exactly what she'll need on every trip. It's like she knows eve- I stopped myself.

I know where that thought goes.

Tsubasa ran off to dye her hair, while I stayed in bed. Still a bit to go. I need a hobby. Math, I suppose. But I'd like something I can do with Tsubasa. Some way for us to spend these long days together. The problem with math is it's a one-person activity. Nothing is flawless.

Tsubasa returned, with hair less white.

“If you want, we could leave early and walk slowly.”

I shrugged 

“Worst that happens is we're there before the others.”

I grabbed my purse and we set out. Tsubasa was leading as we walked. She's the one who knows where we're going, after all. I wondered if I should ask about Kanbaru or Araragi. I don't know what I'd ask about. Jobs? School? I don't know. That stuff should probably be saved for during dinner so we have something to talk about. 

“Oh, right, what kind of place did Kanbaru pick for us? I don't think you ever said.”

Tsubasa perked up. 

“Oh, right! I think she said it's Italian?” She dug into her purse and checked her phone. “Yup!” I can't remember the last time I had Italian food. It's not too common in this town, and I don't exactly care for it. I guess I should keep an open mind about this. I try to avoid being picky with food. It's hard.

We arrived about ten minutes early. Thankfully, they were already there. Tsubasa ran over to the pair and hugged them, and immediately dove into small talk. I walked over slowly and just kind of stood behind Tsubasa. I introduced myself, but didn't say anything more. After a few minutes, we were led to a table. We all sat down, and the talking continued. 

I grabbed a menu and stared at it. I had no idea what to order. Kanbaru noticed my indecision and spoke up. “If you're ordering for yourself, I recommend the spaghetti. It's pretty good.” I nodded. I don't really know what I'm doing here, so I might as well go with what people with experience have to say. I turned to Tsubasa. “Hey, you've been to Italy, right? What should I get?” She grabbed her menu and pointed. “Ravioli is good? I'm not too sure about this place, though.” She looked over at Kanbaru. “Yeah, it has good ravioli.” She shrugged. “Karen and I are gonna split a pizza.” I've never had a pizza. I'd probably hate it. Looks greasy. 

I decided on ravioli.

We put down out menus and the conversation began anew.

Kanbaru spoke up first. “So, Sodachi, how’ve things been with you. Some time has passed since we last met. That was at Araragi's birthday, right?” I thought back. Yeah, I suppose she was there. I just remember leaving early. And crying. I blinked. “Sorry, yeah. It's been a while.” ”Have you been up to anything interesting since then?” I thought for a second. “Well, uh, school? As always? More math. Oh! Tsubasa moved in a few months ago.” They both perked up at that. “Wait, really? I didn't hear about that.” Araragi was speaking now.”Miss Hanekawa, you never mentioned that!” Tsubasa looked sheepish. ”I never had a reason to? I don't know, I still spend so much time traveling, I'm only in town a few days a week at most. So it's more like I use her apartment as a place to stay between trips.” I thought for a second, before speaking up. “It's not like you're just a constant guest. We do share a bed, after all.” 

Kanbaru laughed. ”Didn't think you were like that.” I cocked my head to the side. I didn't quite get what she's getting at. Tsubasa interrupted. “Oh, no, not like that. We cuddle.” Oh. Oh course she was. Everyone is always like that. Even Tsubasa was, at first. “Yeah, uh, I don't like sex.” Kanbaru nodded. “I get that. I mean, I don't, at all, but I understand your feelings.” It's exhausting when people assuming I like sex. I wish they wouldn't. Is that something I should hold against people? Probably not, but I still want to. Araragi broke the awkward silence. “So, you don't like fucking? Why not? I thought everyone liked it. I genuinely can't wrap my head around that.” She thought for a second, before continuing. “Oh! Is it because you don't like your p-” Tsubasa leapt across the table to interrupt her. Why would she say that. What teaches someone that something like that is acceptable. 

I started taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. Tsubasa starting scolding Araragi. Honestly, this is what I expected her to be like tonight. She takes after her brother too much.

I debated going outside for a break, but it hadn't been too long yet. 

Just then, the waiter came by to take our orders. I was thankful they came then, this needed a break. We all gave them our orders quickly, and they ran off.

In an effort to bring back the conversation, I asked Kanbaru a question. “We haven't actually talked much. I know you like sports, is that what you're going to school for? I was never athletic as a kid, I don't know how that works out.” “I'm actually going for a medical degree. Gonna try and be a sports doctor.” Huh. “That's interesting. Being a doctor seems hard. Harder than being a mathematician, at least. Certainly less fun.” 

“It's super interesting. I want to help kids who get sports injuries, they can be so nasty. I wouldn't exactly say it's fun, but I'm still in school, so I can't judge. It'll be rewarding, though.” Well, I can appreciate the logic there. She's a good person, she just wants to help others. I can appreciate that. 

Araragi started speaking again. I ignored her and pulled out my phone. I don't even have something to do on my phone. I just don't want to talk to her. Unfortunately, the tedium of staring at my phone with nothing to do proved to be more boring than talking to her is obnoxious. I put it away and focused on the conversation.

“...progress. Most of the class is keeping up, and I've been taking care to help the one's lagging behind.” I debated asking what she's talking about, but I didn't care enough to bother. “We have a few more months left in this class, but I already know I'm gonna miss them all so much.” She turned to me. “Oh, do you know what I'm talking about? I'm sorry, I just went off assuming you did.” Apparently it's clear I didn't. I wish I could make it clear I didn't care. Still, it would be rude to tell her that, so I guess I have to go along with this.

“No, I don't. Are you talking about school?” Araragi got even more energetic. “No, actually! I teach a karate class for children! We're a few months in, it's my first class. I remember when I was their age, so it's great to be on the other side of things!” She's loud. “I, see.” I didn't really know how to respond to that. “So, you're a teacher?” 

“No, actually, well, not yet. I teach the junior class under supervision of Sensei while I go to school to meet the qualifications for teaching.” I wouldn't have pegged her for the teacher type. Too obnoxious, loud, seems she would be bad with small children. I guess everyone has surprises in them. She continued. “Technically, I'm just a TA, but Sensei is fairly hands off, he trusts me.” 

I've never liked children. They're loud and annoying and ignore boundaries. Worst of all, they never gender me correctly. Not that most adults are any better.

“Interesting. I've thought about teaching, but I'd never teach children.” “Oh, have you? What do you want to teach?” “Math.” “Oh, right, you're the math girl. Koyomi used to talk about you all the time in middle school.” Did he now? And he still forgot about me despite that. Maybe he's mentioned me more since high school. 

Tsubasa spoke up. “I'm so sorry I haven't found time to visit you there yet, I'm sure you're a fantastic teacher.” Araragi turned to her .”Oh, it's fine! I know your schedule is always so busy with your traveling, and what little time you get at home with Oikura is important too. Suruga and I are blessed enough to live together full time, I can't imagine having to spend so much time away from her.” She was bragging. I don't exactly mind the time that Tsubasa and I have apart, but to put emphasis on it like that, doesn't feel great. 

Kanbaru seemed to notice my discomfort and spoke up. “So, you go to school for mathematics, but do you do anything else interesting?”

“No.”

“O-oh. Well, then, what are your hobbies?”

“I have none.”

“I see.”

If she spoke up to make the conversation less awkward, she wasn't succeeding. Not that it's her fault. I'm terrible with others. Don't know why I bother.

“Well, is there anything you like doing besides math?”

I thought for a second, before responding. “Not really. Cooking, I guess.”

“I never would've guessed you're a cooking gal.”

“It's similar to math.”

“I see.” I don't know if she actually understood or not. Didn't really care, either, to be honest. “I'm also picky with food, it's best if I just make it myself.”

“Oh! That's smart! I've never been particularly picky when it comes to food, but it's still nice to be able to make exactly what you like.” 

I nodded. She seemed to get that, at least. 

The waiter came by with our food. I started eating quickly, as usual. Araragi and Kanbaru ate slower, keeping the conversation going. I ignored them. 

When I was done, I focused on the conversation again. Kanbaru was talking. I tried focusing on the conversation, but she kept interrupting herself to eat. It was annoying. Why would anyone do that.

I sat back in the seat. I debated taking my phone out again, but it wouldn't be any better than last time. In the end, I opted to stay quiet. With nothing else to keep me engaged, I tried focusing on the conversation again.

“...talked to him lately, but last time we chatted, he was doing good. He's as busy with school as the rest of us.”

“Who?”

Probably not someone I know, they have so many friends I've never met.

“Oh!” Kanbaru got excited. “We were talking about Araragi.” Oh. Him.

“I see.”

I haven't talked to him in a long time. Not since the last conflict with her. He hasn't reached out. Like always. At some point, Tsubasa is going to get us together again. I know it.

Kanbaru continued. 

“He's been focusing hard on school. Kinda amazing, he's actually become a halfway decent student. Better than me, at least.”

She laughed. I didn't see what was funny about that, but didn't linger on it.

I looked over at Tsubasa. She was done with her dinner, finally. I leaned over on her arm, and without any hesitation, she wrapped it around me. I got as close as I could to her. Being hugged by Tsubasa makes a lot of things more tolerable. Tonight, it had the added benefit of getting me further from Araragi.

“I haven't seen Araragi in a while. He never talks to me and I never talk to him. Tsubasa has to plan things whenever we do anything together.”

She laughed again.

“Yeah, that sounds like Koyomi. He's never been great with others. Not that I'm one to judge.”

I never would've thought she was someone bad at personal relations. She seems to chatty and open. The antithesis of me.

She's my opposite in quite a number of other ways, too. For one, she's a real gi-

I broke away from Tsubasa, and started getting up. “I need some air.” She started getting up with me, but I waved her down. I walked out of the restaurant and started pacing. 

I don't like how my brain thinks. It puts so many bad thoughts in my head. So many terrible feelings,as if my brain is trying to sabotage me. I started my way around the building. It didn't seem too large around, a good enough length for a break from the conversation inside.

I don't like hating myself. I wish I didn't. Tsubasa clearly is able to appreciate herself and care about her own well-being. So why can't I? Why am I so fucked up? So broken. What did I ever do to deserve the hate I give myself?

I know.

I know what I did.

I know every last bit of why I hate myself.

I'm unable to forget.

I finished my lap and re-entered the restaurant. I made my way to the table, and nestled myself back in Tsubasa's arm.

Kanbaru pointed to some menus on the table. “We're ordering dessert and alcohol, you want anything?” I shook my head. Not in the mood for drinking. Or further eating, for that matter. The conversation continued around me. I chose to ignore it fully, focusing only on Tsubasa. When I'm with her, things are fine. I'm fine. I'm whole. Unbroken. 

At some point, they ordered again, and after more time, the new order arrived. Tsubasa offered me part of what she got, but I declined again.

They ate, and talked, and soon enough, things were done. The bill was paid (Kanbaru insisted on paying our share), and we started getting up. Goodbyes were said, in a blur of conversation, and Tsubasa hugged the pair. 

When she was done, we started hurrying home. The walk home was uneventful, and before long, we were back in my apartment. Tsubasa hurried into the bedroom to finish packing, and I followed her in, slowly. I sat down in bed and looked over at her.

“I'll be leaving pretty early in the morning, should I wake you, or do you just want to sleep in?”

I shook my head, before realizing the question and pulling out my phone. <wake me up, i want to come with you to the airport>

I got up and finished getting ready for bed. I made her leave the room as I undressed and got in bed. <you can come back in>

She rejoined me and quickly got ready for bed.

“Will you be okay without us?” I nodded. “Are you sure? I'm worried.” I nodded again. She didn't look relieved, but nonetheless, she was satisfied.

“My plane leaves pretty early tomorrow, so we should get to sleep sooner than later.” I nodded. She reached over and turned off the bedside lamp, and laid down. She reached over to hold me, but I stayed away. I inched over to the side of the bed.

“Are you sure you're going to be fine? We can delay this trip if you need us here.” I shook my head. Tsubasa sighed. “I trust you, but believe me, I'd much rather put this trip off than know you're going to suffer alone.” She paused.”If you need me, just let me know, and we'll rush home.” After a few minutes of no response, she seemed satisfied. “Good night honey, talk to you in the morning. And then she turned over.

Chapter Two:

The room was already bright when I woke up. They weren't in the room, so I assumed they were already up. I checked my phone for the time, and groaned at how early it was. I never like waking up this early, especially on class days. But I need to if I want to see Tsubasa off. 

I got out of bed and made my way over to the closet. I got dressed quickly and joined them in the front room. Kuro was in the kitchen. “Oh, we were going to wait a little longer before waking you. Breakfast won't be ready for a bit.” I nodded, before responding. ”I can get ready early.” Kuro nodded back, before returning to cooking. 

By the time I was done getting ready, she was done cooking. We sat down together and started eating. It went by quickly, as usual. I cleared the table and took them into the kitchen. Kuro protested, but I insisted. It didn't take me long.

Eventually, we were all ready to go. We made our way to the train station, and before long, we were there. I don't take the train often. Really only when I'm with Tsubasa. I don't mind that. The train is always loud and it gets way too crowded. But as a form of transport to and from the airport, it's fine. Harmless. Inoffensive.


	4. Tsubasa Vamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> while i wish i could continue the last one, this is one i like enough that i may end up starting it again from scratch using the same idea

Prolog:

The tale I am able to tell is not a pleasant one. It's not one that people should know, but it's one people will need to know, to know the rest of my story. It will not be pleasant to hear and it will not be pleasant to recount. But nonetheless, this story is needed. The two weeks adventure I am about to recount for you is one I would love to forget, but must continue to live with as long as I live.

This is a story which ends in tragedy and heartbreak, and a story for which that was the best possible outcome. Those two weeks were a hell, but a hell for which I will never escape. 

There are others who would dwell on this longer, but now that you are warned, I see no better path forward than to just start the story.

Chapter One:

It was an ordinary day. Or rather, as ordinary a day as the first day of Spring Break can be. I was walking by the school, part out of boredom and part out of a desire for these two weeks to pass by in an instant, so the new year could start already. 

Regardless of my reason for passing by, I was. And as I passed by, I saw a boy. I quickly recognized him as Koyomi Araragi. A boy from the the same school we were near. We hadn't ever been in a class together, but I knew his reputation. He's the bad boy of the school, the one who ditches, who disrespects the teachers. Which isn't to say he's the only one to do that, but he's the one to make an reputation of it. Rumors circulate about him. Of him being a genius of sorts, or already being w high ranking member of a gang, or even of him being a night time crime fighter. I'm not one to pay mind to rumors, but the nature and volume of the stories surrounding Araragi caught even my attention. I doubt the truthfulness of any of them, but they're entertaining nonetheless.

He was walking opposite of me, and if we were to keep our course. I considered talking to him, to possibly uncover the man behind the rumors. But he showed no intent of raising his head as he passed, so I stayed quiet.

Suddenly, a gust of wind swept by. In a moment which lasted mere seconds and many long days, my skirt was tossed upwards, revealing everything underneath. Araragi stared lecherously, his piercing gaze being more intense than anything else I've felt in my life. After far longer than I was comfortable with, the fabric of my skirt began falling, and soon, my underwear was hidden once again.

Araragi continued staring at my skirt. Only God could possibly understand the sinful thoughts going through his head.

I spoke up first. “Hey!” He looked up. ”Oh, uh, hey.” I walked closer.”Araragi, right? Araragi Koyomi?” ”Yeah, that's me. You're Hanekawa Tsubasa, right? Bird girl?” Huh. That's not exactly an association I'd be given before. Not that it's wrong or anything. “Yup. What are you doing out here. This is pretty far from home for you, if I'm not mistaken.” I could see him rushing for an excuse. “Well, I was bored, and I didn't have anything better to do, so I figured getting out of the house would do me some good.” I started thinking back to the rumors I've heard. Maybe he really is a gang member, and he was going to break into the school for some nebulous reason. I dismissed that nonsense and made a response. “Well, getting out is always good. I was just taking a roundabout way to the library. I'm hoping to find some study materials so I can get ahead on next year's classes.”

“I see. As studious as I've heard.” That piqued my interest. ”What have you heard about me?” Do I have rumors about myself in circulation? Am I as much a subject of gossip as Araragi? “Well, everyone knows about the legendary Hanekawa Tsubasa. Genius class prez. Top of her class without match.” He laughed. ”That kind of praise of beyond my ability.” Interesting. I didn't think my studying was picked up much my the rest of the school, but I obviously underestimated both myself and my classmates.

“Well, then…” I started, before trailing off, before remembering something I could use to keep the conversation alive. “Have you heard the rumors about the vampire?” He was taken aback, a little. “A vampire? I wouldn't have taken you for one to engage in rumors like that.” What does  _ that  _ mean? “I don't believe the rumor, of course, but it's fun to think about nonetheless. Imagine meeting a vampire! It would be fun.” Araragi nodded. ”I guess. But I don't see why a vampire would want to come to our town. What's even here to see?” I shrugged. “Maybe they got tired of the city life. Or maybe she's here for sightseeing.”

“Even so, why here?”

I shrugged again. ”In the end, it's just a rumor. It's not like vampires are real, anyway. Just a fun thing to fantasize about.” 

On an impulse, I reached over and into Araragi's pocket. He protested, but didn't fight back as I pulled his phone out of his pocket. I quickly typed in my number before tossing his phone back to him. “I like talking to you. Hope we can keep in touch throughout the new year.” 

Araragi spoke up. “I don't have friends! People don't like me and I don't like them.” A very pessimistic look at things. I guess all the rumors circulating never reached him. “I don't even want friends. They're a bother to deal with, every friend I've ever had has held me back.” What a misanthropic way to look at things. I'm not exactly one to brag about having friends, but at least I don't utterly loathe the concept such as Araragi does. “I envy the forest, the trees, they never have to worry about who likes them or dislikes them.”

“What a horrible outlook. Do you know nobody who you like, who you want to be around? Your parents, your sisters?”

“Nobody.”

I frowned. The actual Araragi Koyomi is nothing like the rumors made him out to be, while still capturing who he is perfectly. For all he was showing off here, he was proving himself to be someone who's lying to himself more than actually hating people. But maybe I'm just hopeful.

“Well, regardless of you want friends or not, you have one. Fight me all you want, but I won't back down.”

Without waiting for his response, I started walking away. After passing him, I turned back. 

“I'll keep in touch.”

Chapter Two:

I stayed at the library until it closed. As the librarian was shutting things down, I grabbed some books to bring home and checked them out. Once I left, I made my way home slowly. I never had a reason to rush home, but today especially, I felt a desire to just wander around town all night. 

As I walked, I thought back to the rumors of a vampire in our town. What an absurd idea. This small town as nothing, I can't imagine why anyone would want to come here, especially an immortal vampire. If you could go anywhere, why would you come here. The most notable feature of this town is the Mr. Donut! 

As I thought on the implausibility of a vampire coming to our town, I saw a woman on the ground. A foreigner, it seemed. That shade of blonde certainly wouldn't be found naturally anywhere in this country. I couldn't quite see what she was doing on the ground. She almost seemed to be asleep. A drunk, then? But her dress, it's too fancy for someone going between bars and collapsing on the street.

I slowly started approaching, and as I did, I called out to her. “Hello? Are you okay? Are you sober?” The woman looked over at me. “You there. Young woman. Approach.” I decided to obey her command, moving as I had been. As I approached, the scene became more apparent.

The woman lay in a pool of blood, quite obviously her own. Her limbs were missing, and further blood poured out. A gruesome scene. I slowed in my approach, taken aback at the sight of things.

“Yes, you see. I need your help, young woman.” 

I nodded and pulled out my phone. I started calling an ambulance, before she interrupted. “No, that will do no good. There's nothing human authorities can do for me at this point.” I started backing away. ”Please! Help me! Give me your blood.” I stopped. “What, what do you mean? My blood? Why would you-” I stopped as a realization hit me. The vampire. The rumors were true. The absurd fantasy classmates had been chatting about, the creature from mere stories. In front of me. I continued backing away, but I stumbled and tripped. “I beg of you. Save me.”

“Who- who are you? What are you? What are you doing here.” So much of what I knew to be truth and fiction was falling apart around me. Vampires are creatures of lore and myth, mere stories told to entertain and scare. But here was one in front of me. A vampire. In the flesh. Talking to me. Bleeding. Begging for help.

The vampire spoke. “I am Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade. The iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire. I beg of you. Give me your blood and save me.

I tried standing, but stumbled and fell back down. 

This couldn't be real. This shouldn't be real. This had to be a dream, a fantasy of mine. Maybe I was still back in the library, collapsed on a table among books of folklore. Maybe I was already home, asleep, fantasizing about the rumor I'd heard. Maybe this was real. Maybe I had met a real vampire. Maybe, just maybe, there was a real vampire not more than five feet from me bleeding out.

“What would you need of me? My blood, but how much, how would you take it. Would I die? I'm fine with dying, but I need to know.” My mind was racing. First known contact with the supernatural. I've always expected that I would do something incredible, but to discover a vampire…

But who's to say this is first contact. Maybe this is like the American rumors of aliens, maybe all the stories of vampires I've read are based on real stories.

She spoke.

“I only need to suck the blood out of your neck. All your blood of course. You would likely die, but if you have no issues with that, then we can just proceed.”

I

I could die. I had the choice to end my life here. To pass on and give my life for someone else. Leave this world for the sake of another.

Did I want that?

I still don't know.

I have things to live for.

Right?

Do I?

I have school. My studies. College, then career. Would I be ready to give that up?

But it's not just giving it up. It's giving my life for another.

It wasn't an easy choice. But it wasn't one I had the option to linger on.

I walked over to the vampire.

“Drink as much as you want.”

I moved closer to her. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the end.

The last thing I felt was her fangs on my skin.

Chapter Three:

I woke up.

It was quite unexpected.

I blinked a few times, trying to gather my senses. I was in a room, seemingly in a school, almost certainly abandoned. As I looked around, I realized I wasn't alone. Sitting across the room was a small blonde child. “Hello?”, I yelled out. She glanced at me.

“So you're finally awake. Took you long enough.” I thought for a second, before words started spilling out of my mouth. “Where are we? Some kind of abandoned school, I'm sure, but where? How am I alive? Did you save me from the vampire? Or, I suppose you could be the vampire. But why? Do vampires work like that? No vampire I've ever read ab-” She cut me off. ”Silence, young lady.” Oh. 

“I brought you here after our encounter several days ago.” Several  _ days  _ ago? It felt like nothing! “Wait, ‘our’ encounter? But-” She interrupted me again. “I imagine you're thinking ‘I met a tall gorgeous woman, not this feeble, weak child.” I tried to interject to protest the claim. “I-” She quickly followed her previous statement, speaking over me. “But indeed, I am indeed Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade. The iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire. Depowered.


	5. Bi Lesbian Kanbaru Fic???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the reasons why i didn't continue this should be obvious

I was thinking. A thing that happens often, to be honest, even if I don't give that impression. I think about a lot of things. The world, my friends, family, loved ones. Myself. A lot to think about there. People are odd. Weird, bizarre, unusual. I've been told before that I'm weird. A perv, queer, disgusting. Or more positively, unique, outstanding, genuinely one-of-a-kind. What people can agree on is that I'm not normal. And good! Who would want to be normal? It's nice that I can be me without any possible confusion. Nobody will ever see me and think anything short of “She is Suruga Kanbaru.” But who is Suruga Kanbaru? A lesbian? A basketball player? A sports star? An unremarkable extra in a story larger than herself? In short, she is she, and she is me.

* * *

I glanced at Karen. She was laying around on the couch, texting on her phone. The age gap between us is only two years, but when I see her using her phone, it feels like decades. I don't want to become the type of old woman who complains about the younger generation, but when I see people interacting with technology so readily, it astounds me. I've never been particularly a Luddite, but I've never rushed to new technology. My grandparents never kept a computer in our home, so it wasn't until senior year that I got one, and even then it was out of a need for school. Once I had it, I was underwhelmed. This is what I'd been missing out on? Reminds me of when I first got my phone, the year before that. It was right around when I met Araragi.

Araragi. Koyomi Araragi.

I first met him early into my second year of high school. The story of how we met and what occurred after could fill a novlet, but needless to say, we became quite close during that time and the time to follow. The rest of the year was filled with hardship for the both of us, and we relied on each other frequently to get through said hardship. His attitude towards me at first was quite uncomfortable, but it clearly came from inexperience, no other gay person had been so upfront about that. I guess that’s always been a unique trait of mine. I was always choosy with who I came out to, but once I decided someone would be safe to tell, I would be direct about it. I don’t need to beat around the bush, as they say. I’m a lesbian. Gay. Homo. Whatever you want to call it. Learning this clearly came as a shock to Araragi, but who wouldn’t be shocked by that? Even so, he grew fine with it. Even by the start of the next year, he’d done away with his older attitude.

“-ruga!” I snapped back to reality. Karen had been yelling at me, it seems. “Oh, uh, sorry, what?” I blinked a couple times. “I was asking you if we have plans for dinner, cause if not, Koyomi’s inviting us on a date.” I blinked a couple more times as I processed what she said. “Uh, I didn't have anything in mind? Is it just gonna be him, or…?” Karen grabbed her phone. “He's bringing Senjogahara, but that's it. I'll send you the information I was sent.” I nodded. I checked the message she sent. A few more hours to go, and the restaurant wasn't too far away. “Yeah, this works out.” 

I stood up. “You still have some work left, right?” Karen nodded. ”Yeah, just some stuff to grade, should be done before we leave.” I nodded. “In that case, I'm going to go for a run. I feel like I could use some fresh air.” Karen nodded. “Don't be too long.” I wordlessly waved her off as I left.

* * *

I started running. It's a good way to clear my head. Less so when I don't know what the issue is, but sometimes just getting out is enough.

I started thinking again. I'd been thinking of Araragi before, and that's what my thoughts immediately came back to first. Thinking about how we met, the times together. I'd be seeing her tonight, I realized. We've stayed friends, both before that incident and after, but lately, with classes and then work, we'd just not had chances to meet up like before. Drifting from friends is always rough, but with her, with Senjogahara, it was especially rough. Passionate feelings never last, but it's a shame to see them go, even if they weren't entirely good in the first place. Love is a complicated feeling, even as far removed from it as I've become at this point.

Hm. Love. In time, I've come to experience more love than just the first. A few flings here and there, and Karen, of course, and-

I suddenly stopped and gathered myself. A few seconds later, I picked up my pace again.

It's been a while since high school, now. Years. Long enough for interests to diverge, opinions to be molded, and relationships to fail. Sometimes, people you were close to drift away. Sometimes, you stay in touch, but not to the degree of before. That's what happened with many people I went to school with. Senjogahara, Araragi, Higasa, even Hanekawa and Oshino. Once we all graduated, we ended up spread everywhere. It's natural, then, we would talk less. Eventually, I ended up back in touch with Karen, and things escalated, but it wasn't until recently that Senjogahara and Araragi were close enough to meet with. Despite that, we haven't really spent too much time catching up on lost time. We've been trying to find the time to meet up, but with all our hectic schedules, it's been rough. But it was finally going to happen.


	6. Araragi Zokudachi v2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i really love the chatfic aspects of this. might just make that it's own thing sometime soon

I woke up and blinked a little. I rolled over to the edge of the bed and glanced at the clock.  _ I could sleep a little longer… _ I sat in bed for a couple more minutes before getting up.  _ I should go take a shower now, actually. I'm sure Karen and Tsukihi will be waking up soon, and I'd rather not have to wait for them.  _ I got out of bed and grabbed a fresh pair of clothes from the closet. I glanced over at Koyomi.  _ I can let him sleep a little longer. _ I headed over to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I turned on the water and left it as it warmed up.

As I waited, I started thinking. It's been nearly a decade now since I moved in with the Araragis. I've long since become just another member of the family, and I've never missed the life I had before I came here. Mom and Dad are good parents, Tsukihi and Karen are the best sisters I could have asked for, and Koyomi has always been so supportive of me. I was so scared when I came here, so broken by my family before. But living with the Araragis really saved me.

My thoughts drifted further. It didn't take much time after moving in for the topic of gender to come up. Mom and Dad were good about it. Transition started fast enough, given my age, but even before that happened, they were helpful. Of course, Tsukihi was the biggest help. She taught me more about clothes and fashion in those first months than I would've learned in years. 

I really would've liked to share a room with Tsukihi, but she already had the room with Karen. Which is why I ended up in a room with Koyomi. Koyomi isn't a terrible roommate, but he's far from great. I'm constantly cleaning up for him.

I sighed. Then I realized someone was yelling at me. “Whoever’s in there, hurry up, people are waiting.” I'd lost track of time. I yelled back, “Sorry, Mom, I'll be quick.” I got in the shower and cleaned myself up. Once I was done, I got out and got dressed, opened the door, and rushed back to my room, yelling back as I ran. “Sorry, I spaced out.”

Once back in the room, I took a breath. I glanced over at Koyomi. Still asleep. I walked over to the bed slowly and leaned down next to him. Then I shouted. “Koyomi wake the fuck up.” He stirred. I started shaking him. “Breakfast soon, get up.” He opened his eyes and glared at me. I glared back. “Look, I let you sleep in. I don't know what else you expect of me.” He grumbled while getting out of bed. I grabbed my school bag and phone and started heading out. “You hurry up and get ready. Don't make up wait for breakfast again.” On my way out I grabbed a pair of hair ties and started working on my hair as I walked downstairs. Dad was still busy cooking breakfast, and the table was set, so I flopped onto the couch. I pulled out my phone and started texting.

* * *

hey

Tsubasa ❤️: Good morning.

good morning

Tsubasa ❤️: How did you sleep last night?

fine

Tsubasa ❤️: Glad to hear it.

Senjo: oh hey

anything going on with you two today?

Senjo: nothing special

Senjo: classes, but nothing after 

Tsubasa ❤️: I'll probably head home after school to study.

Senjo: nerd

i might be up for joining you for that

exams aren't for a while, but it's better to be prepared,y'know?

Kanbaru: You can just say you want it to be a date 

Kanbaru: We all know, you don't need to hide it

shut

Tsubasa ❤️: Studying together would be lovely. We can pick up where we left off last time, I believe we were working on English and World History?

Kanbaru: gay

that would probably work for me

Kanbaru: gay

* * *

I heard a commotion and glanced up from my phone. Karen and Tsukihi were sitting at the table, talking a mile a minute. I smiled before returning to my phone.

* * *

not everything we do is gay

you don't see me calling your alone time with Higasa gay, do you?

Kanbaru: That says more about you than me, i think 

Senjo: no, it doesn't 

Kanbaru: well, im not inclined to take your opinion here, hettie

Senjo: >:(

Senjo: u know that's wrong

Kanbaru: Ye, but as long as you have a boyfriend, im allowed to make these jokes

Kanbaru: That was what we agreed on, right?

Senjo: What fucking agreement?

nah, i remember that. right after you got together 

Senjo: gah!

Senjo: Hanekawa, back me up here?

Tsubasa ❤️: I don't recall any such conversation happening, but I know if it did, I wouldn't support this.

Senjo: thank you

* * *

I glanced up again. Mom was now at the table, and yet still no Koyomi.

* * *

hey senjo tell your dumbass to hurry up

Senjo: what makes you think i’ll have more luck than you?

can't you like. threaten to stab him or something?

Senjo: whats stopping you from doing that?

mom gets mad

Ougis: Why not just actually stab him? - F

mom would get incredibly mad

Ougis: But it would work, wouldn't it? - F

im just gonna go yell at him

* * *

I slipped my phone in my bag and headed back upstairs. When I got back to our room, the door was locked. I yelled out. “Koyomi, you'd better be getting dressed right now and you'd better be done soon. What's even taking you so long?”

“I'm, uh…” I groaned. “Koyomi, are you presently naked?” “No?” I slammed the door open. “Hurry the fuck up.” When he said he was dressed, he was only partially telling the truth. “Put a fucking shirt on, dude. Why do you always take so much longer than me to get ready? You just put on your uniform, how does that take you so long.” I walked over to the closest and grabbed a shirt. I threw it at him. I could never throw it hard enough to hurt, but I can always try. “Be down in a minute or I'll tell Senjo something you don't want her knowing.” I turned and started walking out. “Wait, what would you be telling her?” Koyomi started shouting. As I started walking down the hall, I called back. “I'll decide later!”

When I got back downstairs, I said to the room, “He should be down shortly.” I grabbed my phone from my bag and sat at the table.

* * *

Kanbaru: I agree stabbing can be very useful on occasion, but it's not a cure-all 

back

went with blackmail

Ougis: Attagirl! - M

Kanbaru: “Attagirl”? What are you, 70?

Ougis: Is it really that outdated? - M

ive never heard anyone, old or young, use “attagirl” unironically.

Ougis: Well, I'll just take this as a sign that I have an advanced vocabulary - M

Senjo: nerd

oh, hey, koyomis finally down

talk to y'all soon

* * *

I put down my phone as Koyomi joined the table. Dad started setting food about, and people started eating. Conversation ensued, and before long, people were finishing up. I cleared my dishes and put them in the sink, and returned to the couch.

* * *

Higasa: We'll be busy with practice, sorry.

did i miss anything?

Senjo: planning karaoke this weekend. you free?

might be. ask me about this later 

Senjo: k

* * *

I looked up. Koyomi was standing around. “Ready when you are.” I jumped up. “Sure, one sec.”

* * *

gotta go

we'll talk at school

* * *

I hurried out the door. Koyomi was unlocking him bike. Once he was done, he got on, and he left.

The world looks interesting from the back of a bike. It's a forbidden sight, it's something we aren't supposed to do. We do it anyway. We've gotten yelled at it by mom and dad a bunch, but they've never stopped us. We've done this for years now, and we're both used to it. This unique sight has so commonplace, and yet I appreciate it nonetheless. It's something I'm only able to see because of my brother. 


	7. Asexual Hanekawa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shame i never finished this one tbh. it's neat

I woke up, like every other day. I rolled around to look at Sodachi. Still asleep, as always. I lay in bed for a few more minutes, staring at her face. She's so cute when she sleeps. So calm, serene. 

Eventually, I get out of bed and get dressed. I make myself some breakfast and sit down on the couch with my laptop. I start catching up on the news from the night before as I eat. Once I'm done, I wash my dishes and set them apart to dry.

Next, I grab a pair of running shoes and make my way outside. The weather is slightly cloudy, and it seems it rained last night. I made my way out and started jogging. I went along my typical path, and it went by with little deviation. At some point, Black woke up, and we spent the rest of the walk making idle chatter.

When we got back to the apartment, Sodachi was up. She hadn't gotten dressed yet, and was reading on the couch. She noticed us and waved. “Hey.” I waved back. “Hey. Sleep well?” She shrugged. “Well enough, I suppose.”

I sat back at the table and returned to my laptop. I checked my emails for a bit, before checking the news once again. Nothing notable.

Sodachi and I sit in silence for a while, before I speak up.

“Hey… Sodachi?”

“Mhm?”

“What's it like being asexual?”

She sat there for a second, before closing and putting down her book. “What prompted this?”

I hesitated a second before responding. “I've… Been thinking through things. And wondering. It's been on my mind for some time now.”

She nodded. “Well, I don't know how much help I can be. I can only describe my experiences. I have nothing to compare against.” 

“I figured as much.”

She sat up and looked at me. “How I would describe my experience is that sex has no appeal. It's a non-entity. It is something others care about, but I couldn't give less of a shit it. I've never felt like sex was something I need.”

I nodded back to her. “Well, I can't say my experience wholly reflects that, but I understand some of what you're getting at.”

I leaned back in my chair a little. “I guess I've felt an obligation to be sexual. It's expected of me, not only because I'm a woman, but because of my large breasts. It's been something always expected of me. I always assumed everyone felt the same way about it that I did.”

“Always a terrible assumption. You should know how unusual you already are.”

I laughed a little at that. “Yeah…”

We fell silent and Sodachi picked up her book again. I turned back to my laptop, but couldn't focus. After a few more minutes, I spoke up again. “I keep thinking about this.” She put down her book again.

“Well, what specifically stays on your mind? Anything in particular, or just the larger subject?”

“I'm not really sure, honestly. The larger subject, I guess.” I paused, before continuing. “I have been thinking more about the sexual circumstances I found myself in before, how those always went down.”

“Like how? You've only mentioned a few of those times in passing.”

“Well, all those times with Araragi.”


End file.
